It starts with labour – the baby is monitored closely, but very often the wellbeing of the mother is a secondary priority.

After the birth, most of the attention is on the baby. Midwives and/or doctor ask the mother some standard questions about how they’re feeling, but I don’t know any women who were offered information on: where to get breastfeeding help, where to find a night nanny if needed, where to find information on exercising… Leaflets shoved at you do not count as advice.

Looking around me, talking to mothers both online and offline, I feel that new mothers are increasingly feeling neglected, alone and as a result stressed and depressed.

Breastfeeding issues aside (I’ve written many times about the lack of breastfeeding support in England), the other big issue in my opinion is the physical wellbeing of the new mother.

Pregnancy takes a huge toll on your body. Your back aches and is probably not aligned properly by the time you give birth, your ribcage expands, your internal organs get shoved in all kinds of unnatural directions due to the growing baby, your skin stretches and your feet swell. No matter how enjoyable a pregnancy is for the obvious reason of feeling awesome for making another human being – it is very hard work on your body.

Somehow a lot of women have been ‘taught’ to accept the notion that your body will be wrecked and ‘never the same’ after you have had children.

I don’t think that this attitude should be accepted.

I believe that your body IS able to bounce back marvellously IF given the right care and support.

I didn’t gain much extra weight in pregnancy, but I have struggled a lot with my abdomen – for the longest time after giving birth to either of my kids I could not lie on my side. Whenever I did, I felt like all my internal organs were spilling out – a totally weird, creepy and scary feeling. So even though standing up I didn’t have a noticeable baby belly, beyond the surface my midriff was completely shattered.

I am now best friends with the Plank (it’s amazing how many exercises you can do in plank position :| ), but it’s taken me YEARS to not feel that I’ll spill my guts (literally) when I lie on my side. (A diet very low in gluten and sugar helps as well actually, even a tiny bit of bloating makes me feel like I’ll come undone again.)

BUT – why am I all of a sudden talking about post baby bellies?

Enter a lovely Indonesian mother of 4 children who yesterday enlightened me about how the Indonesians have done postnatal care since the 17th century. Everything she told me enforced my belief that it is possible for mothers to gain back their ‘old’ self after giving birth.

In Indonesia every new mother goes through a course of Jamu postnatal massage and belly binding.

According to a Singaporean website, The Origins of Jamu Massage, the massage:

• Helps to tighten back and tone over-stretched tummy
• Speeds up recovery afterbirth
• Helps to get rid of  “Trapped Wind” in your body
• Helps to eliminate toxins and reduce water retention
• Helps to gain back your energy level
• Support your spine after birth and during breastfeeding
• Relieves body aches & leg cramps
• Helps to relieve constipation
• Speeds up shrinkage of womb
• Helps to remove remaining blood clots
• Assists and helps with breastfeeding
• Improves muscle and skin tone
• Helps to reduce postnatal depression
• Builds up your confidence

The binding is done using a cloth binder after each massage session. It further helps to support and straighten the spine and tighten the stomach muscles.

She said that it feels wonderful to be pampered in that way after giving birth and it feels great to feel supported by the binding. The binding gives relief to your back after carrying the baby for 9 months and by feeling supported by your core, you also feel emotionally better.

I listened to her and thought – why didn’t anyone tell me about this kind of massage and binding when I was pregnant?!?!?!?

And when I got home I couldn’t sleep, I kept thinking about it… Why is that not done here? Why is it not an essential part of postnatal care? Why is it not crucial here that the mother feels the best that is possible after giving birth? Doesn’t the wellbeing of the mother (both physical and mental as they’re very closely related) have an effect on the wellbeing of the baby?

At the moment I’m mad at the western world for not knowing how to take care of mothers. And I’m also mad at myself for not researching these things when I was pregnant. My baby belly is gone by now, but I will keep planking religiously because I cannot forget the feeling of being completely ‘undone’ and ‘unsupported’ by my midriff.

End of vent :)

BUT – I would LOVE to hear your thoughts on this.

Have you not been as ignorant about belly massage and binding as I have been?
Has your experience of postnatal care been totally positive and you see no problem in postnatal care of mothers?
How is the situation in Estonia? America? France? Dubai? Scandinavia?

AND – do you want to come to Indonesia with me to study Jamu? :D (I totally want to learn it and set up my own postnatal care clinic).

You are forgiven, of course :)

Last night we went to see the fireworks on the common. The crowd was huge and fireworks lasted a whole 30 minutes. Oskar was so excited it was hard to get him to bed afterwards. He finally settled down after 9 sometime and despite us hoping that he’d sleep in this morning, he was up at 6:30.

Since he’s not at the nursery on Thursdays and Fridays, we went to the new children’s centre that’s opened up in the school next door (the one we considered sending him to). Thursdays from 10-11:30 they have a play time and also songs and book readings. I met some other moms, everyone already knew Oskar. There were 2 other pregnant moms there, almost as big as me, but still having to wait for 4-8 weeks. Poor buggers :)

Tomorrow morning they have something different at the same place. We’ll go and check that out as well. It’s good to get out of the house.

This afternoon we’re going to the library to get some new library books and then it’ll be dinner and bath and bed and the end of another day. With all this waiting, every morning I feel like it’s groundhog day – similar routine, not much to do, day in and day out. At least I make myself take a nap every day when Oskar naps. I should be so well rested by action time.

Oskar’s been great this week. We have abandoned using the pram, he scooters to the nursery and back. In the morning mom takes him and because it’s mostly downhill, they get there in 30 minutes (it’s 1.6km). In the afternoon I pick him up and it takes us 40-45 minutes. He’s a bit tired by then and walks half of the way. Still, good effort. He’s not as lazy as we thought he was :)

We’re off to the library now… The more I walk, the more I hope that labour will start tomorrow… I definitely felt the baby dropping lower and lower yesterday. Was kind of painful, but still not the kind of painful I’m waiting for.

P.S. The polls have still not closed for a boy’s name – if you are not expecing one and have heard of some good ones, let me know!

This morning I asked mom to take Oskar to the nursery – I didn’t want to go outside that early again and I was also a bit tired from last night. Since we changed the clocks on Saturday, Oskar wakes up at 5:30 or 6 i.e. according to the old time, but he still won’t fall asleep at 7 at night and is up to the usual time of 8 or 8:30, moaning, calling for us, saying he’s cold or sad or scared of the dark…

Last night he came to our bed after 2am. He had taken off his nappy and at 5:30 we were all soaked… and awake… After 6 I gave him some calpol or ibuprofin, but when it was time to go to the nursery at 7:30 I couldn’t remember which one I gave him, so he went without his second dose.  Combine that with the early start, I have a feeling I’ll get a call from the nursery long before 1 saying Oskar’s not doing so well…

And did I mention it’s cold?  Outside the sun is shining and the sky is blue, but that doesn’t mean anything. The radiators have been on since 7, but my fingers are still struggling to type. This place has no freaking insulation in the loft and a lot of single glass windows from which you can feel the cold air coming in… When the radiators are on at 20° it feels ok inside, but as soon as you turn them off, it’s down to 16-17° straight away. Nothing stays in. I can’t wait to have our own place so we can insulate.

I’m going to make myself a cup of decaf coffee now and attempt to tidy up the place… I wish this baby would come already, mat leave second time around isn’t about relaxation anyway, so I just want this chaos of a newborn + a toddler to start. The worst part is being tired and just waiting and not knowing how we’re going to cope with no sleep, cold weather and a spoiled 3-year old who isn’t very good at playing by himself.

Of course it’ll be interesting to see how Oskar will react to the new world order. Firstly there will be a new baby and secondly there will be no grandma as of 21st of December.  That will be hard for the nana’s boy that he’s become.

I will have to be organised in the mornings for a change as Oskar hates to wake up to a cold house and be rushed out the door to go to the nursery. I might have to try to get him to bed earlier so that he wakes up earlier and doesn’t need to be woken at 7.  I will have to make sure that me and the baby and porridge are ready by the time he gets up because he firstly needs to cuddle for a good 10 minutes and then he’s awake enough to get dressed and eat while watching Dora or Diego or LazyTown.

In general I’m not worried. I’ll just take one day at a time and I’m sure that pretty soon a new routine will be in place that suits us all.

The good thing is that Oskar slept much better last night, only waking up to a 30 minute coughing fit at 6. By the time we left home at 7, he was wide awake and scoffing down his porridge.

Oskar is still sick. He coughed so hard last night that he threw up. From midnight to 4:30 he was in mom’s bed and from 4:30 to 6:30 in ours.  I really don’t like it when he sleeps in other people’s beds, but we make an exception when he’s sick. Fortunately when he’s not sick, he stays in his own bed most of the time.  Last night I actually managed to sleep from 5:30 until 6:30, something I didn’t expect since I usually cannot sleep with Oskar in the same room – he breathes louder than Darth Vader.  I have learned to sleep head to toe to the boys though and it seems to work. At 6:30 Oskar was up with us and not cranky at all. I’m hoping the worst is now over for this month’s snot&cough session.

I called the hospital this morning to find out whether we have a date for the surgery.  Apparently Oskar’s just been added to the waiting list today, 8 days after a request was made by the specialist with an “urgent” note on it. I should now just sit back and wait for a letter to arrive in the next 7-14 days which indicates a date for pre-assessment appointment as well as for the surgery.  I am no longer 100% certain that we’re going to make it before the baby comes.

After my appointment I walked to a Starbucks outside Embankment station to wait for the rest of the crew to arrive. As soon as my coffee was ready, they arrived, not giving me any time to read the paper in peace and quiet.  We spent the morning in the Transport Museum at Covent Garden. Oskar loves that place because he gets to collect stamps on a green guide that the kids are given and we like it because it’s a relatively small museum and we usually finish the loop in 1.5 to 2 hours.

Our next stop was Mothercare on Oxford Street. Without revealing the exact circumstances, I have to sadly announce that Oskar’s well-used red Maclaren is no more – we therefore needed to buy him a new pram.  At the store we got lectured about why big boys like Oskar should not use a pram, but we bought him a new Maclaren anyway.  The entire time we were looking at different options, he was moaning that he wanted to sleep and as soon as we’d paid for the thing and opened it up, he climbed in for his nap. I don’t know whether this boy will ever stop napping.

The rest of the day was spent just on domestic duties – playing, grocery shopping, cooking, etc.

On Sunday we battled our way through rain to church. We are truly insane, I think, to trek there every Sunday, 1.5. hours one way with a lot of walking uphill.  We have taken a minicab in the past, but since I’d already taken one on Saturday I didn’t want to spend more money on it. Church was good as usual, although the new pastor is not as great of a speaker as the old one was.  We were also disappointed to hear during the week that our applications to help out at the childrens’ church were rejected because we are not in a house group.  We will never make it to a house group by 7pm during a weeknight because they are all kind of far from us. We must be the only crazies who travel from Streatham, but we really wanted to get involved somewhere and it would have been fun to see what the kids get up to.  Anyway, we tried.

It still rained after church so we went to IKEA for a meatball lunch and a bit of shopping.  Winter is coming so we bought some 3m long curtains to hang in the hallway to block cold air coming in from the front door.  Our entrance is on the ground floor but our flat is on the 1st floor and there is always a cold breeze that comes up the stairs.  James hung out the curtains that evening and hopefully we’ll notice the difference when the next cold day comes.

This morning I took Oskar to the nursery because I had a 9:30 ultrasound at the hospital and didn’t have to be at work at 8 as usual. Trains were crazy busy after 8, I don’t know why people can’t get themselves out of bed a little bit earlier to avoid that madness. It took me 1.5 hours to get to Westminster, 30 minutes more than I expected.  I wasn’t late though and my appointment went well. The placenta has moved up so no c-section for me :) and the baby’s measurements were nicely average with an estimated weight at the moment at 2.5kg. Only 5 more weeks to go. I can’t wait to meet this new little person.

Yesterday was my day off and I was totally worn by the end of it. After walking for almost 3 hours during the day – to the nursery, to the shops, back home, back to the nursery, to a playgroup, back home – my body stopped functioning at 6 pm and I dragged myself to bed. Miraculously I fell asleep within a few minutes and woke up 40 minutes later to start the bedtime routine with Oskar.

Probably partly due to being pregnant, I feel that I don’t have enough energy for Oskar.  In the office it’s so easy, I only get uncomfortable when I sit too long. At home I’m constantly doing something, constantly having to pick up things from the floor, play on the floor, get up to standing, get down again, etc. It’s getting hard with this bump of mine.

Mom, on the other hand, has so much energy for Oskar. She takes him to a playgroup every day, even on nursery days.  She can read him books non-stop (I tend to fall asleep) and doesn’t mind when he climbs on her.  Next to her I feel like an old woman right now :(  I seriously am going to miss her when she leaves in December. And should I mention that she gives both James and I 30-40 minute foot massages every night once Oskar is in bed?

Here’s a conversation we had one evening while I was reading to him. He all of sudden said that he wanted a girl baby (original first):

“Ma tahan tüdruk beebit.”
“Aga beebi on vist poiss. Kui beebi välja tuleb ja natuke kasvab siis saad temaga mürada ja mängida.”
“Beebi tuleb välja ja kasvab ja on minu sõber.”
“Just nii”
“Arstitädi teeb emme kõhu katki!”
“Arstitädi ei tee emme kõhtu katki. Emmedel on selline beebiauk millest beebid välja tulevad.”
“Tahan seda beebiauku näha!”
“Hmmmmmm… See on praegu kinni, sest beebi peab veel kasvama.”
“Nagu lõbustusepark!”
“???”
“Lõbustusepark on ka praegu kinni!”

—

“I want a girl baby.”
“The baby’s probably a boy. When the baby arrives and grows a little, you can wrestle and play with him.”
“Baby’s coming out and grows and then he’s my friend.”
“That’s right.”
“Doctor will break mommy’s tummy!”
“The doctor won’t break mommy’s tummy. Mommies have a special baby hole where babies come out from.”
“I want to see the baby hole!”
“Ummmmmm… It’s closed at the moment, because the baby still has to grow a little bit.”
“Like an amusement park!”
“???”
“Amusement park is also closed at the moment!”

Oskar is doing well in Estonia. He had his second tick vaccination this morning and will have his adenoids x-rayed tomorrow. Here in the UK I’m still waiting for that referral to a specialist that I requested in May. In general mom says that compared to last year he’s a lot more aware that we’re not there and is moping around more :(

And since I’m rambling a bit today (what a change from my usual crafty essays), I’ll talk about the whole ultrasound experience as well. I had it done at the hospital as a public patient, it didn’t even occur to me I could have a private scan, just like in Australia it didn’t occur to me that I could get a free scan.

Anyway, the equipment was crap – the monitor was tiny, only 1/4 of the baby was visible at any one time and I just remember it being so clear in Australia and here it was just very fuzzy. Plus, the sonographer pushed on my tummy so much it hurt a lot – my toes were cramping by the end of the procedure because of the pain. She said she needed to push hard to get a picture. Go figure – crap equipment. And. And the photos are not worth publishing, I told her I wanted a few and she printed me two tiny ones which essentially look identical. No shots of the little one yawning or any of the good face images that we saw. Oh well, I’d be more disappointed if it was my first one. I have another ultrasound at 35 weeks by the way, my placenta is a bit too low at the moment so they need to check whether it’s moved up. If not, it’s on with a c-section apparently. I think it’ll move though. Or at least I’m not worried about it, just as long as the baby gets out, one way or another.