Still PND or just depression or just being a bitch????
Tuesday, 10 April 2012 
18 Comments
Life is weird at the moment. I ran out of my Citalopram tablets about two weeks ago, went without them for a few days, then got a new prescription but started taking half a dose every day.
I am definitely feeling the effects of the lower dose. It doesn’t feel like TheDepression has come back though, it feels like it’s TheBitch that has come back.
Every once in a while (read: several times a day) I’m just so overwhelmingly grumpy that I snap at people (which is such an hideous thing to do)… and I get annoyed by my kids… and all I want to do is just a) sleep or b) exercise.
I can’t figure out whether this means that I should just go back to the 20mg of Citalopram… so that I’m a nice person again and don’t nag my husband, mother and children… OR whether I should try to tackle this by other methods? Vitamin D? Meditation? Is it really the depression that’s making me a non-nice person or maybe I AM a non-nice person to begin with and the medication is just masking it??? :|
It’s just really unsettling to feel that I’m calm and collected and happy when I’m on a proper dose of antidepressants but if I’m not, I’m grumpy and mean.
I so want to be a nice person without any medication…
oh yea. I could have written a similar post..but with the difference that I haven’t taken any medication..like nothing. When I nag or I am snappy, i know that i should either eat or ….have a cold shower :D One piece of chocolate seems to do the magic as well. But eating chocolate all the time is not a solution. i am working on my behavior. Like you, I don’t want to be like this…but sometimes it’s just stronger than me. (perhaps it’s a taurus thing, I hope not!! i see that my youngest has similar problems :/ )
Now, if I may, i go to look for my self-control.
I’ve always been a Taurus, but I don’t remember being so snappy in my 20s :|
then we must blame our kids :P
I could have written that last sentence myself! As sad as it makes me to think about it, I feel I will always need my “pills” to keep my serotonin in check, sense my body just doesn’t know how to produce enough of it. Hang in there! I know how you are feeling.
Thank you ladies for your kind words and for sharing. I feel that being on medication distorts your understanding of the normal range of emotions – I definitely do not know anymore what is ‘normal’ and what is not. Every time I raise my voice at my kids or grumpily snap at my husband I feel like my world is falling apart and that the next step is being institutionalised :) (I know I’m overreacing, but like I said –> distorted understanding of what is normal).
I don’t think snapping is bad. Let people know if you are annoyed at them, and if they think you are unreasonable, they will let you know, right?
99.9% of the time I’m unreasonable. The good thing is that the people closest to me are aware of my ‘condition’ :)
I think that it’s definitely not TheDepression and although I’m all for medication and stuff, but TheBitch IS NOT a diagnosis. It’s who we are. And it’s our job as humans to deal with it and find ways of coping with inner bitch. It can’t be always done and that is normal also. But I feel for you when you say you can’t say the difference. I can say the difference (in your case), since I’m a bystander. In my own case I often don’t know and sometimes I feel the urge to say it’s all my diagnosis.
The sad truth is – it’s not. Sometimes we just are bitches. And we should have an excuse for that except for: it’s only human.
I meant *shouldn’t. One shouldn’t have an excuse – or rather, it’s unfair to use your diagnosis as an excuse (although sometimes it’s very tempting).
I think you are so right… I need to start taking responsibility for my actions a bit more…
PS. I have to mention that being a stresshead and snapping at others is not who I am used to being…
That’s also the twisted “medicated” reality. I’m not used to that either, I rather love being Leebe Leo. But the truth is, one must find “normal people ways” of coping.
I hope you do understand I’m not critisizing you or your personality at all. I think you’re great! I have same problems from time to time, is what I’m saying.
Don’t worry, I totally have been thinking the stuff you’re saying…
On the other hand, what is wrong with taking medication when you need it? If you had a headache, you’d take something, right? Why demonize the meds, or call yourself names? If you feel happier and healthier when you take Cymbalta, then for heavens sake, take it and get on with the really important stuff, like running a marathon or tickling Oskar.
I don’t actually take anything if I have a headache :) I want to know when it goes away, if I take pain relief then I don’t really know whether the headache is still there or not…
Your current state is just a result of your thought patterns. Thoughts affect your feelings and your feelings cause your body to produce hormones that help you to stay in this state. Your thoughts affect your body chemistry.
What medication does, is giving you that change in body chemistry and of course you feel good as a result. That certainly is one way of getting there. The reason the effect is not lasting is really simple – you haven’t done anything with your mind. And your mind is the cause of the whole thing to begin with.
Siiri, Siiri, you are way too wise :)